Stop Setting Boundaries. Start Having Them.
Boundaries. Just saying the word can make some of us break into a nervous sweat. For a lot of us, boundaries feel like something harsh…like walls we put up to keep people out. And when it comes to parenting, the last thing we want is to feel distant or disconnected from our kids.
But what if I told you that boundaries aren’t just about keeping things out? That they can also be a way to invite more love, respect, and connection in?
When we shift from SETTING boundaries to HAVING them, we create an environment of trust, safety, and mutual respect. And when kids feel that, they naturally feel more connected to us.
Why Boundaries Strengthen, Not Weaken, Connection
Many parents worry that holding boundaries will push their child away, create distance, or make them feel controlled.
Or they fall on the opposite side of the spectrum, that in their worry about misbehavior, set so many boundary lines, rules, and rigidity that their child doesn’t have a place to stand up.
But kids don’t need unlimited freedom or rigid structure to feel close to us - they need clarity and consistency. And that comes best through understanding the boundaries you have.
When we have a boundary instead of just setting one, we understand the values underneath it, and have a clear knowing of what our needs in the relationship are. We move from trying to control another’s behavior, into embodying our values, and allowing that to emanate into our relationship. Interestingly, in so doing - we remove the need for constant power struggles. The boundary isn’t something we’re enforcing it’s something we embody, and because of that, it creates a more peaceful and predictable relationship dynamic.
Why Embodying Boundaries is More Effective Than Setting Rules
When we set a boundary, it often comes across as something external - a rule to follow or a limit to push against. Kids, being the natural boundary-testers they are, might push back just to see what happens. But when we have a boundary, it feels more like an unspoken but understood part of life.
For example, f I have the boundary that I want to be spoken to with kindness and respect, I might…
In my words: Instead of saying, “Quit yelling at me!” might say, “I’m happy to talk when we’re both calm.”
In my actions: Instead of punishing for backtalk, I call a break and only re-engage in the conversation when there’s mutual respect.
In my energy: When I fully trust my boundaries, I don’t need to justify that I want to be respected. The boundary simply exists, and those around me can sense that.
When I have the boundary, I’m living it out, and I’m carrying it internally, rather than setting it out externally.
This creates a home environment where kids learn the boundary rather than just follow a rule. They understand that respect, kindness, and patience are part of how the family functions, rather than just rules to obey.
When Setting a Boundary Is Necessary
Now, don’t get me wrong - there are definitely times when we need to set a boundary, especially when it comes to safety and well-being.
If a child is hitting, for example, a firm boundary like: “I won’t let you hurt me” is necessary. If they’re refusing to go to bed, sometimes we need to hold the limit of bedtime without negotiation. In these cases, setting a boundary is about protection and structure, and that’s important.
There is a place for both setting and having boundaries…but I have found that my parenting is impacted much more profoundly when I do my own work in knowing the boundaries that I have. And it leads me to rely less on the dreaded boundary and rule-setting.
How This Strengthens the Parent-Child Relationship
One of the biggest shifts that happens when we have boundaries instead of just setting them is how it impacts our connection with our kids.
When we own our boundaries with confidence and consistency, kids:
Learn how to regulate themselves instead of just following rules.
Trust us more because we’re consistent in what we say and do.
Feel safer because they know what to expect in interactions.
It also reduces power struggles. When boundaries are just how things are, rather than something that feels imposed, kids are less likely to push against them. The relationship feels more like a partnership instead of a battle for control.
Practical Ways to Have Boundaries in Parenting
All of this is good to know, but what to do right now? What is the practical application?
Well, the answer is that its complicated. Parenting isn’t a formula, and in my experience, the best answers have been focusing in to do my own personal work.
Here is are a few places to start:
Know your values. Instead of focusing on what rules to set, think about the kind of family culture you want. Do you value kindness? Responsibility? Honesty? Let your boundaries flow from those values.
Be the example. More is caught than taught in the parenting relationship. Kids learn more from how we live than what we tell them. If we want them to speak respectfully, we need to do the same, and its in committing to our own work that the rubber meets the road.
Trust your boundaries. When you fully own your boundaries, you don’t have to over-explain or defend them. You simply live by them, and kids adjust.
Parenting is full of moments where we need to guide, correct, and set limits. And its not for the faint of heart! But when we shift from constantly setting boundaries to having them, parenting becomes less about control and more about connection.
Because when we have boundaries - when we trust them, embody them, and live by them - our kids naturally learn them too. And that’s when parenting feels a whole lot more connected and a whole lot less exhausting.
Are you ready to begin your own personal work? We can help you on your journey. Check out our upcoming Connect Parenting Group, or schedule a free discovery call with Healing Reins.