Parenting with Healthy Connection: Attunement

Parenting is wild, isn’t it? One minute you’re soaking up the sweetness of your child’s laughter, and the next, you’re trying to maintain patience over a cup of spilled milk (again). Somewhere in between, we’re all just trying to do our best.  We’re trying to love them well, guide them, and to keep our head above water.

But if there's one thing I keep coming back to in this parenting journey, it’s that connection is everything.

I have found that there is an art to building connection.  There are ways to build it up, and ways to tear it down.  And I have dabbled in both.  Luckily, this kind of connection isn’t about being the perfect parent. But, I have found that connection with my kids is truly the goal.

I don’t mean connection as in just being around our kids…I mean connection that involves truly tuning in, being present, and meeting them where they are. It’s about attunement both to our kids and to ourselves.

Attuning to Our Kids: Seeing, Hearing, and Knowing Them

Attunement is that deep, intuitive knowing of another person. Its the entering into another’s word.  It’s when we can sense what’s really going on beneath the surface, even when words fail. With our kids, attunement looks like recognizing their emotions, understanding their needs, and responding in ways that make them feel seen and safe.

Like…

Noticing when my child’s frustration is really exhaustion, not defiance.

Picking up on the slight hesitation in her voice when she says, I’m fine…(but clearly isn’t).

Respecting his need for space when he’s overwhelmed, rather than insisting he talk it out right now.

Attunement doesn’t mean taking on the fixer-upper role. It’s not about stopping all meltdowns or making sure our kids never experience discomfort (Sigh…although that would be nice, wouldn’t it?). It’s about being a steady, safe presence someone they can turn to when their world feels big and overwhelming.

In reality, our kids really NEED our attunement for their healthy development.  It’s a gift that’s in our hands to give.

But here’s the kicker: I can only attune to my child to the extent that I understand healthy attunement with myself.   

Attuning to Myself: The Foundation of Connection

This one has been a game-changer for me. I realized early on when my kids were still tiny that if Mama didn’t take care of herself, there wouldn’t be anyone to take care of them.  And yet, I continued to struggle with the balance of pouring everything into my kids while inadvertently neglecting my own emotional state.

But the reality was, those times that I was running on fumes - exhausted, stressed, and disconnected from my own needs - were the times that I couldn’t show up for my child the way I wanted to. Attunement to myself means checking in, noticing my emotions, and caring for myself so I can actually be present.

For me, this looks like:

Taking a deep breath (or ten) before responding to a frustrating situation.

Noticing when my own inner child wounds are being triggered.

Prioritizing rest, even if it means saying no to things that feel urgent but aren’t necessary.  (Yes, even the dishes.)

Giving myself permission to be human - to be messy, imperfect, and learning as I go.

When I’m attuned to myself, I parent from a place of connection rather than control. I can pause before reacting. I can recognize when I need a moment to recalibrate. And most importantly, I can model for my child what self-awareness and emotional regulation actually look like.

Connection Over Perfection

At the end of the day, parenting isn’t about getting it right 100% of the time (thank goodness, because none of us would stand a chance). It’s about showing up, repairing when we mess up, and prioritizing connection over perfection.

Attunement takes practice. Some days I get it right; other days, I totally miss the mark. But when I can slow down, tune in, and meet my child with presence and love even in the messy moments…I know I’m building something lasting.

And that? That’s what really matters.

What about you? How do you practice attunement with your kids and yourself?  If you’re looking to dive deeper into your parenting journey, join us at Connect:  A parenting group for women.   

Find more information here: